More things I have learned

Growing old does have one benefit ... experience. So, I am continuing here to share my vast pool of knowledge. Of course my girlfriend can't resist telling me I need to clean the pool, but heres the list anyway.

1. If you do anything that gets your hands wet, soapy or dirty, your nose WILL itch.

2. When you give your email out anywhere on the internet, you will soon learn all you never wanted to know about body part enhancements.

3. A cat does not love you. It simply allows you to live with it IF you pet, feed and clean it's litter box on a regular basis. Otherwise, you're history.

4. Your Co-Workers, on the other hand, DO love you ... at least as long as you continue to give them good stuff to talk about when you aren't around.

5. You are NOT the master of your fate. Your mother is. And when you get married, your wife is.

6. Life is beautiful .. Life sucks ... life is beautiful ... life sucks. Repeat as necessary.

7. There is a chip in all cars that keeps them from starting unless you stroke the dashboard correctly and sincerely mean it when you say "Come on baby .. you can do it".

8. Computers will only work correctly when you DON'T need them to.

9. A kiss is just a kiss, and a smile is just a smile, but a baby is forever.

10. There is no such thing as a ghost that can haunt you ... except in your own mind.

11. Nothing is carved in stone ... other than what will happen if you forget your other half's birthday or anniversary.

12. No matter how hard you try, you will NEVER be able to fold laundry according to your spouse's instructions.

13. Anything you think will happen, won't... and anything you think won't happen, will.

14. Love is a two way street .. unless you are on the freeway and then there may be lots of exits before you get somewhere.

The Power Of Humor

What can you do with humor?

Sure you can have fun with it-or else why do people pay for the comedy shows and those comedy channels? You can also use it reduce tension, find a great bargain, keep your children in their seats…you name it. There are a thousand and one use of humor, but it leads to an ultimate goal-laughter.

Laughter is powerful, and much more powerful than most people think.

You can make women laugh and fall in love with you.

That sounds like a pretty bold claim doesn't it? Let me explain.

Human beings have an obsessive desire to remain consistent. It is physically impossible to dislike the person who has already made you genuinely laugh, as you can't resolve the conflicts and incongruity between laughter (liking someone) and disliking someone.

In other words, women tend to get closer to a guy who has consistently made them laugh! This not only occur at a logical level ("oh, being with him gives me so much joy and I want more"), but also at a subconscious level (maintaining consistency). Once you were made laugh by someone, it will be very inconsistent if you still maintain an antagonistic attitude towards that person.

Therefore, I use laughter to make women fall in love with me. The more women I could make laugh, the better get. You see, love is derived from the feeling of happiness and happiness is directly associated with laughter




I'm sure in your entire life so far, you have made many, many, many women laugh, and sometimes you can get pretty good at it-sometimes with a particular woman or under some particular circumstances.

Sure, all of us can crack a joke or two. Sometimes we can be quite funny for a whole night... Can we all do it time after time, night after night? Do we all know the secrets that will make humor a natural part of you so that it's effortless to be humorous and charming?

Maybe not.

Some guys talk about the "art" of making women laugh.

Sure, they can call themselves "artists" as they like, but the problem is... once something becomes an art, you won't have rules to rely on and you can't measure the results. Making women laugh suddenly becomes an uncertain event.

But the fact is...Making women laugh is a science.

The fact is… human beings' reactions to different types of "humor stimuli" are predictable.

And there are tested-and-proven methods to match a humorous line and a subject's education, personality, and cultural to create laughter.

Any man, regardless of looks, intelligence, education, personality, can learn the mechanism of humor and laughter and develop his own style of humor.

About the author

Peace-Loving Muslim Located; Expresses Normal Human Concerns

Noting the way violent and irrational Muslims have dominated the news, while the Muslim masses and, most inexcusably, Muslim clerics have in general remained reticent about the scandalously murderous terrorist talk and the mayhem the lunatics advocate, we decided there must be, among the world's billion or so Muslims, any number of normal, peace-loving and, on a wild bet, perhaps even modern-minded, acolytes. So we began our tireless search to see if we might find such a rare and wonderful countercurrent to the tide that is sweeping the Muslim religion ever more beyond the shoreline of what sane and civilized people consider blessed.

We're delighted to tell you that, after an extensive search, we were, in fact, able to locate at least one such exceptional and distinguished soul. Obviously, there may be others out there, but they're just not being visibly vocal, unless, of course, a cartoon shows up that they decide is offensive.

Where, you may ask, did we find our prize Muslim? Why, in the most appropriate of places – at Ground Zero, where he is employed as an engineer, working on rebuilding the area after the murderous and damnable crimes of 911. He invited us to meet him on the job, just so we could confirm with our own eyes that a Muslim would be involved in such a noble and redemptive construction process.

The following recounts our entirely delightful and encouraging interview with him, which, we hope, inspirits all to think the better of Muslims in general and, most especially, to persuade many another Muslim to follow in his savingly enlightened footsteps.

NewsLaugh: According to the questionnaire you were kind enough complete, you're a peace-loving Muslim?

Peace-Loving Muslim: Yes, I am.

NewsLaugh: Good for you. We also understand you're modern-minded.

Peace-Loving Muslim: I am, indeed.

NewsLaugh: Glad you meet you.

Peace-Loving Muslim: Glad to meet you, too.

NewsLaugh: Are you the only peace-loving and modern-minded Muslim or do you think there might be others?

Peace-Loving Muslim: Oh, there are millions of them, I assure you.

NewsLaugh: Really? Why don't we ever hear from them?

Peace-Loving Muslim: Because peace-loving people usually don't make news. They wake up and do things like go to work and feed the kids.

NewsLaugh: Yes, of course. We're familiar with such activities ourselves. But why do Muslim clerics so seldom speak out about all the violent activities perpetrated in the name of Islam?

Peace-Loving Muslim: Some do, but I agree, they should be more out there. But you must understand that, since they are peace-loving, they might never shout as loud as Muslims – and I I even hesitate to call the most violent ones by the term Muslims – who aren't. If you'll notice, crazy people generally scream, while peaceful people are more like to carry on a conversation, like this one.

NewsLaugh: Yes, of course. But do you think some of them quietly suspect that the monsters perpetrating these crimes are on the side of Allah?

Peace-Loving Muslim: I hope not. I can't imagine a truly religious person seeing Allah as being on the side of murder. But, of course, you have to allow for all possibilities. My own Muslim cleric is a very peaceful fellow who thinks that Osama and his cronies are madmen who are damaging our religion inexcusably.

NewsLaugh: Bless his insightful butt.

Peace-Loving Muslim: I'll let him know you said that.

NewsLaugh: Where were you born?

Peace-Loving Muslim: Pakistan.

NewsLaugh: Oh, where Osama Bin Laden is supposedly hiding out.

Peace-Loving Muslim: I prefer to think of it as the country where President Mushararf is doing everything he can to help the US catch him.

NewsLaugh: Good point. You're an engineer?

Peace-Loving Muslim: Yes, I am.

NewsLaugh: I suppose that means you've read a number of books besides the Koran. How did you manage to pull that splendid achievement off

Peace-Loving Muslim: Well, I felt Allah gave me a brain, so He wanted me to use it. I was always good at math. There's not a lot of math in the Koran. So I guess it didn't interest Mohammad much. But even an elemental look at nature reveals that Allah works with math in ways that are so sophisticated everything happens in perfectly natural ways. The math never gets in the way; it accommodates all events, like the perfectly natural movement of waves. We should only know as much about math as Allah.

NewsLaugh: Well, to tell you the truth, there's not that much math in any religious book I can think of. But that's another interview. How did you become peace-loving? Reading the papers and watching the news, one gets the idea that Muslims, in general, are all a pretty violent and backward lot.

Peace-Loving Muslim: A lot are, I admit it. But that's because a lot of them have erroneous ideas. I can't say they have erroneous knowledge, because I don't believe there is such a thing as erroneous knowledge. I also don't believe a lot of knowledge is necessary to be peace loving. My parents, who have very little education, are very peaceful people. So it's not a matter of education. It's a matter of outlook. Either you think you serve Allah by killing other people or by loving them. I prefer the latter, and I think Allah prefers my conduct for that and, if He has prepared a paradise for us, peace-loving behavior is the most likely way to get there.

NewsLaugh: Well, it seems like a more logical approach, expecially since Allah or God by any other name made us all. How did you become modern minded.

Peace-Loving Muslim: Well, it was pretty easy. I grew up with my eyes and ears open. While the world around me was often backward, I knew about the world outside. I decided if it's modern, that's part of the potential Allah put in it, so I ought to adjust to it and, in fact, do my own best to help move it along. I think the modern world has blessed life with such inarguable enhancements as antibiotics and air conditioning.

NewsLaugh: What do you think the chances are that other Muslims will start to think like you?

Peace-Loving Muslim: Well, it depends on what they hear the loudest; the outside world, ranting at each other, or their inner voice telling them that they're part of the whole, and, if they want to find a welcome place in the whole, they have to become a peaceful part of it. I think they also have to understand that Muslims running around blowing other people up are acting as if Muslims don't have lives or property that can also be blown up. This is one reason why their actions are harmful. Every time a Muslim blows something or somebody up, we wonder how long it will be before non-Muslims decide to teach us that such behavior is not a one-way street.

NewsLaugh: Yes, we wonder about that, too, It seems to us that the world has been pretty tolerant so far.

Peace-Loving Muslim: To paraphrase you, bless their butts. Yet I can't tell you how much fear peace-loving Muslims live in that the behavior of violent Muslims will result in damage to the nonviolent ones and their property.

NewsLaugh: Well, it's certainly a pleasure to meet you. We're glad to know that there is at least one peace-loving and modern-minded Muslim in the world. It gives us hope. May your way of thinking spread.

Peace-Loving Muslim: If it doesn't, I may decide to become a Buddhist. I've been reading about their beliefs, and, if you have to believe in an ancient religion to make peace with life, it seems like a pretty good option.

Newslaugh: Well, it certainly is a more peaceful choice. We'd don't hear of many Buddhists blowing up non-Buddhists. Whatever you decide, we wish you luck.

Peace-Loving Muslim: Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get back to rebuilding Ground Zero, It's one of the ways I hope to make up for what Muslims who have shamed other Muslims have done.

Relaxed And Happy American Located; Agrees To Brief Interview

Despite the troubling news that assails us each day and seems bent on convincing us we should all be the tense and unhappy recipients of the worldwide outrages it forwards, we remained confident that maybe somewhere there is still at least one American who is relaxed and happy.

Intent on locating the indomitable soul, should there still be one, we spread out across the nation and, just as we were ready to drop our shoulders and sigh with hopelessness, we saw a man walking down the street of a small resort town in the Northeast, singing to himself the song Louis Armstrong made eternally popular with his scratchy but heartfelt voice, "What A Wonderful World."

Suspecting we might, at long last, have our man, we introduced ourselves and asked if he'd consent to an interview.

"Sure," he replied, "but only a short one. So I can stay relaxed and happy."

For whatever it may do to help you achieve your own peace and bliss, the interview follows. He reveals, among other things, that he concentrates, in a surprising way, on subjects that appear in the dictionary under the letter "F."

NewsLaugh: Just for the record, we understand you're an American who's actually relaxed and happy?

Relaxed, Happy American: Yes, I am. In fact, I'm so relaxed I can't remember when I had a tension headache. So darn happy I smile all the time, so often, in fact, sometimes I feel like an idiot. Of course, I'm not.

NewsLaugh: You're sure of that?

Relaxed, Happy American: Sure, I'm sure. I'm just happy to be alive – privileged, in fact, to be part of the great unfolding of life on the earth and in the universe. Seems like a big thing to be part of, if you ask me, especially since I began as a tiny sperm, swimming for its life, and an egg, wondering if and when that spirited competitor might arrive.

NewsLaugh: Interesting perspective. May I ask how, in this tense and troubled world, you've managed to remain relaxed and happy?

Relaxed, Happy American: Well, the first thing you need is what the French call distance.

NewsLaugh: Does that mean you just don't pay much attention to what's going on in the world?

Relaxed, Happy American: Heck, no! I allow a certain space for it, just so I know what's happening, sort of like putting my hand on a coffee pot just long enough to feel the temperature, but not so long I get a blister.

NewsLaugh: Can you explain how you manage to preserve such perspective?

Relaxed, Happy American: Lots of perspective. For instance, if my body represented my life, I allocate for daily events something about the size of my index finger.

NewsLaugh: Your index finger? Well, then, how about the rest of you?

Relaxed, Happy American: Oh, that's the wholeness of my life, start to finish, I figure, maybe eighty some years – big space, especially compared to the idea of living for the moment, which, to me, is the perfect prescription for becoming way too frazzled.

Newslaugh: What about the idea that only the present moment exists?

Relaxed, Happy American: Oh, come on, that's like looking at your lawn and saying the only blade of grass is the one that's currently tickling your toe. <




Newslaugh: Fair enough. So how does that apply to your everyday life?

Relaxed, Happy American: Easy. I never let anything in the outside world or, for that matter, in my personal life, get bigger than the wholeness, of which every event or aspect is, logically, only a part. In fact, I never subordinate my whole life to anything, even when somebody I love is behaving incomprehensibly. Otherwise, I would be doing an injustice to it. Comprende?

NewsLaugh: Si, Senor!

Relaxed, Happy American: Muchas Gracias.

NewsLaugh: I notice you spoke a little Spanish there?

Relaxed, Happy American: So did you.

NewsLaugh: Very little. But you don't look Hispanic?

Relaxed, Happy American: No, I don't, and for a good reason. I'm not. But my building is staffed with people whose first language is Espanol. So I speak a little of it to get preferential treatment. For instance, my air conditioner is already ready for summer. How about you?

Newslaugh: It's how I ingratiate myself at Mexican restaurants. But back to the taco we were talking about. Certainly, there are other things that contribute to your relaxed and happy attitude?

Relaxed, Happy American: Yes, there are. I actually feel I owe it to my life to do the best I can with my mind, my feelings, and my body – if the three can be separated – and I get so many emotional rewards from what that inspires me to do, they make me happy.

NewsLaugh: Sounds like a nice pastime. Do you ever think it may be a little self-centered?

Relaxed, Happy American: Oh, come on. There's a difference between selfishness and enlightened self-realization, because the second one includes consideration for other people, that is, if you'd like to have any of them in your life, especially dates.

NewLaugh: OK, enough about daily events. Mind if we talk a little about the big things that can bum people out, like intimations of mortality?

Relaxed, Happy American: No problem! Hardly give it a thought. Just figure if I take good care of life, whatever made it will take good care of me, that is, if it takes care of anybody beyond just providing the stage, the actors, and the food.

NewsLaugh: Fair enough. Would you like to add anything else?

Relaxed, Happy American: Oh, one more thing. When you're down and out, you have to concentrate on the letter "F."

NewsLaugh: The letter "F"? Why so?

Relaxed, Happy American: If you analyze the alphabet, you find a surprising concentration of things there that make people relaxed and happy.

NewsLaugh: Such as?

Relaxed, Happy American: Oh, food, family, friends, words like fabulous and fantastic.

NewsLaugh: And?

Relaxed, Happy American: Well, fine wine, fiction, philosophy, spelled, for consistency, with an "f."

NewsLaugh: And?

Relaxed, Happy American: Short interviews.