Cover

Isang araw, dumating ang housemate ko sa bahay habang nakatambay ako sa dining area. May bitbit na bagong boylet, na nang lumaon, aking napag-alaman ay 23 years old. Pogi at straight-acting si boylet, na tatawagin nating CJ.

May katawan si CJ, di kataasan, pero matikas. Lalake kumilos at magsalita. Tahimik noong una, pero nang makausap ko siya habang naghahapunan, unti-unti na rin kaming nagkapalagayan ng loob. Naramdaman ko na mabait si CJ, at parang uhaw sa kausap na may sensibilidad. “Kuwento ka pa, Kuya,” ang lagi niyang inuulit. Alam niyang sa tagal ko na bilang isang well-adjusted na bading, marami akong maishe-share sa kanya. So ako naman, bilang isang mabuting housemate sa kanyang iniirog, kuwento naman.

Hanggang sa tuluyan na ngang nag-enjoy si CJ. Nag-ayang uminom. Naglabas ng inuming nakalalasing si housemate. Toma kung toma.

Nainggit ako nang bahagya dahil sa harapan ko, habang nag-iinuman kami, nagho-holding hands sina housemate at CJ. Ang cute nila. Parehong butch at straight-acting, pero ang sweet sa isa’t isa. Ang saya. Mas nanaig ang pagkagiliw ko sa kanilang dalawa. Bumabangka ako ng kuwento habang taimtim na nakikinig, at pagkaminsa’y nagtatanong si CJ. As usual, si housemate, listener lang at di masyadong sumasabat.

Dumating sa puntong medyo may tama na si CJ. Kuwento na rin siya ng kuwento. Napansin ko ang cellphone niya. Nagandahan ako sa casing, kulay dilaw. “Ang ganda naman ng cellphone mo, ang cool ng kulay,” sabay kuha sa kanya. Napansin ko ang litrato bilang wallpaper sa cellphone niya. Si CJ at isang babae.

“Sino ito?” tanong ko.

“Girlfriend ko,” mabilis niyang sagot.

“Girlfriend?”

“Oo, girlfriend. Pang cover.”

Natameme ako. Itinuloy niya ang sagot niya.

“Ganyan talaga, dapat may girlfriend. Para di ako mabuko.”

Di pa rin ako nakapagsalita.

Nalungkot ako ng husto, pakiramdam ko sinuntok ako sa dibdib ng dalawang beses.

“Na-sad naman ako,” sabi ko, sabay paalam. “Akyat na ako, may isusulat lang ako.”

“Huy, baka naman i-blog mo ako ha!” habol ni CJ.

“Oo, ibo-blog nga kita,” sagot ko, ayaw ko kasing magsinungaling.

“Sige, basta palitan mo lang pangalan ko.”

Natawa ako, pero tawang di nakaibsan ng naramdaman kong lungkot.

Naisip ko yung girlfriend. 19 years old lang. Hindi niya alam na ang boyfriend niya, may ibang lalake.

Bakla ako, oo, at naniniwala akong isa akong mabuting tao. Ayaw na ayaw kong manloko, at nalulungkot ako pag nakakakita ako ng mga taong nanloloko, o niloloko. Alam ko na takot lang si CJ. Pero nakakalungkot pa rin. Sana, ma-realize ni CJ na hindi niya kailangang gumamit ng cover. Na hindi niya kailangan manakit para maiwasang masaktan.

REGRETS OF THE DYING

It’s Sunday, a downtime for many of us, a perfect opportunity to be more reflective than usual. Here’s a nice article to kickstart your muni-muni moments. (Written by Bronnie Ware.)

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For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.


2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.